weddingfarts

Lunchfarts

2011-02-03T15:25:00.001-05:00

I walked to the place across the street. There is no chance that I'll
spend less than $9. I'm only getting a turkey sandwich, chips, and a
coke zero.

No more comedyfarts

2011-01-31T21:37:00.001-05:00

I've been advised by my attorney, a very high powered lawyer in DC, to
stop comedy farting.

I feel relieved because the pressure I was putting on myself to write
jokes on a blog that no one reads was too intense.

Therefore, back to food.

Comedyfarts day 2

2011-01-31T17:06:00.001-05:00

I almost quit this experiment so many times today:

February is the public bathroom of months. You hope not to see it for
as long as possible until it is totally unavoidable.

I am so sorry .gov's

Comedyfarts Day 1

2011-01-31T00:49:00.000-05:00

Weddingfarts and I have been listening to way too many comedy
podcasts. We also follow all of the comedians on twitter.

In these podcasts they talk a lot about the process of comedy writing.
On the twitter the comedians are mostly very witty.

As you know .govs, I am a terrible writer with horrible grammar.
Therefore it seems pretty logical that I'd try to write some jokes. It
makes sense to weddingfart this because twitter is... Twitter.

This is mostly an experiment for me, and it will most likely be
horrible for you. Apologies in advance .gov's, and I will be shocked
if this lasts for more than 3 days.

Day 1:
I miss living in Los Angeles, it was so easy to blame traffic and not
take advantage of all the things happening around me.
Now that I live in the suburbs I have no scapegoat, so I manufacture
fun by going to multiple grocery stores in one day.

That was a terrible start.

Sotto Marefarts

2011-01-22T21:53:00.001-05:00

.Govs, Go to Sotto Mare if you ever find yourself in San Francisco.

Eat everything.

Oyster shooter and Crab Louiefarts

2011-01-22T21:38:00.001-05:00

Chowderfarts

2011-01-22T21:36:00.001-05:00

North Beach.

no city livingfarts

2011-01-22T21:02:00.001-05:00

The main reason why I can't live in a walking city is because of the sweating.

Chinatownfarts

2011-01-22T20:20:00.001-05:00

Time for fried chicken.

Rockfarts

2011-01-22T17:22:00.000-05:00

We ate prosciutto, oysters, and tacos in the mission. Now we're going
to see comedy.

In case you were wondering, it is a 2 brown sweater day in SF.

Driving to BART farts

2011-01-22T15:44:00.001-05:00

We're back.

Weddingfarts is driving. He is recovering from being the favorite
friend of baby sailor jacket.

We are going for oysters, fried chicken, and comedy.

Comedy dayfarts

2011-01-22T15:40:00.000-05:00

Today is a coup. More to come.

Cochonfarts

2010-03-07T15:23:00.000-05:00

Sazeracfarts

2010-03-07T15:21:00.000-05:00

Po Boyfarts

2010-03-06T16:44:00.000-05:00

Handgrenadefarts

2010-03-05T22:42:00.000-05:00

Crawfish po boy

2010-03-05T21:50:00.000-05:00

More oysterfarts

2010-03-05T21:16:00.000-05:00

Charbroiled oyster farts

2010-03-05T20:12:00.000-05:00

"that's really good. Wow"

Oysterfarts

2010-03-05T20:02:00.000-05:00

Sitting in swanky hotel bar ordering oysters. This should be great.

Nice facefarts

2010-03-05T19:44:00.000-05:00

Plane treatfarts

2010-03-05T15:35:00.000-05:00

Delta gives peanuts, pretzels, and cookies. I asked for all three.

Happeningfarts

2010-03-05T14:22:00.001-05:00

We are preparing for a large weekend. New Orleans to be exact. We're
going to eat and drink. We will celebrate weddingfarts in style.

Baby Ruthfarts

2009-11-02T18:44:00.001-05:00

Most underrated candy bar of all time. You know it's true .govs

Bloody

2009-11-01T13:45:00.000-05:00

Halloween and the Billsfarts

2009-11-01T12:24:00.001-05:00

Experiencing Halloween in Los Angeles is a lot like rooting for our
beloved.

There are things that you cannot unsee. There is Jauron and there is
assless cow costumes. Neither is for the faint. Future parents of
the world: do not let your children root for the Bills. Additionally,
if they say they are going, in costume, to the West Hollywood
Halloween parade be worried. Very worried.

2009-10-31T23:42:00.000-04:00

Scary guy is gone

2009-10-31T23:40:00.001-04:00

Now there is a very old furry wearing a chicken suit.

The scariest man...

2009-10-31T23:35:00.001-04:00

...moved over a seat so someone could sit next to him. The moral of
the story is never judge a book by their coer. Unless they are fucking
terrifying.

Bus farts

2009-10-31T23:32:00.001-04:00

Tried to take a picture of scarriest man on bus but all the sudden the
joker came into view and I almost shit my pants. Sailor jacket is
sweating a lot. This is a questionable adventure.
Sent from my iPhone

2009-10-31T23:30:00.001-04:00

Scary costumes on the bus. We are scared and taking pictures.

2009-10-31T23:25:00.001-04:00

The fucking bus got egged - sailor jacket

2009-10-31T23:20:00.001-04:00

Scary bus in la

2009-10-31T23:18:00.003-04:00

This is a scary test. It is halloween and we are on a scary bus in la.
Full and drunk. This is a scary test.

Sent from my iPhone

2009-10-31T23:18:00.001-04:00

Sweating on the bus

Belated Beloved Burger Farts: Atlanta, March 2009

2009-06-04T00:01:00.000-04:00

Bills Draftfarts

2009-04-26T23:25:00.004-04:00

Please understand I may be one of the only people in the world that actively sets aside time to watch the first round of the NFL draft, but it has much to do with our beloved. Needless to say, in the course of the last week the Bills traded a pro bowl left tackle and drafted several cornerbacks (not an area of need).

A short, Emmy award winning video from last years #1 pick (local commercials are art)

Basically here is what happened. The Bills drafted several undersized players who will not play the positions in the NFL that they played in college. That, .govs, does not make a shitload of sense.

The following is from espn.com:

Riskiest move

The Buffalo Bills traded Pro Bowl left tackle Jason Peters a week before the draft and didn't select a tackle.

You can look at this three ways: 1) the Bills are confident veteran Langston Walker and second-year project Demetrius Bell can handle the tackle positions; 2) they might be working on a trade for someone like Levi Jones after the Cincinnati Bengals drafted Andre Smith; or 3) Buffalo's front office doesn't know what it's doing.

Buffalo went with Penn State defensive end Aaron Maybin, Louisville center Eric Wood, Oregon defensive back Jairus Byrd, Oregon State guard Andy Levitre, Southern Miss tight end Shawn Nelson, Oklahoma linebacker/safety Nic Harris, Southern California cornerback Cary Harris and West Virginia cornerback Ellis Lankster.

Maybin and Wood can easily be justified as first-round choices. But the Bills are adding a variable to Wood's future by moving him to guard after he started 49 straight games as Louisville's center.

Meta-Farts

2009-03-21T14:35:00.002-04:00

Here at Weddingfarts, we love all things meta.

Or at least some of us do. Some of us get very angry at the use of the word "meta."

And others never use it at all.

But that shouldn't stop anyone from enjoying this meta-pizza:

Meta-pizza. See?

Real Worldfarts II

2009-03-19T02:12:00.002-04:00

Chet sucks. It's official. I asked wife which lame housemate was crying at the end of the latest show. She said, "It was Chet. He's a tool".

Radioheadfarts

2009-03-18T12:24:00.004-04:00

.gov's, what many of you may not know is that I am a music snob and I used to write terrible, unobjective, grammatically incorrect music reviews for my college newspaper. I don't envision this type of post often, especially because it has nothing to do with lunch, hating twitter, or our beloved but I think you dedicated weddingfarters and .gov's will enjoy this.

This is Radiohead performing at the Grammy's. What you are about to watch is a band at the height of their powers doing something unexpected and completely awesome. I can't imagine the thrill the USC marching band got from rehearsal and performance of the song "15 Steps". Granted Thom Yorke dances around a bit too douchey, but you would too if you had the power to scare the shit out of the entire music industry (releasing awesome new album online that fans could download for free or buy at whatever price they wanted).

You enjoy a serious bit of great music:

Jauronfarts

2009-03-13T01:49:00.002-04:00

Luckily the very fearful leader of our beloved has talked to the guy on nationalfootballpost.com about the TO situation.

Mike Lombardi, who wrote the article is constantly on the BS Report with Bill Simmons. He always sounds like he knows what he's talking about.

Jauron doesn't say anything out of the ordinary, but then again he never does. I think the point is that the Bills players are almost... excited... about playing with TO.

Donte Whitner is my facebook friend farts

2009-03-11T12:17:00.003-04:00

I just became "friends" with Donte Whitner - starting safety for the Buffalo Bills - on Facebook. The following is my last status update (status update = twitter for those who refuse to twit and aren't on the weddingfarts roster of excellence)

"Sailor Jacket can't believe that TO is a Bill. Do you know how much explaining and apologizing I'm going to have to do when the season starts??"

I wonder what my new friend Donte Whitner thought of that?

Twitterfarts III 900% useage increase farts

2009-03-10T14:56:00.001-04:00

Twitter has had a 900% useage increase in the last year. I will never use twitter for my own purposes. Here's the reason why: when someone posts something on their twitter it is called a tweet.

A tweet. People compliment each other on their tweets. What is the past tense of a tweet? I tweeted? I twatted?

.govs - you should never be talking to anyone at your fancy job and tell them that you were twatting last night until all hours. Not a good idea.

Soupfarts

2009-03-09T17:55:00.001-04:00

Tortilla soup is the answer to every question you have had today. Have
it for dinner .govs

Trust me

Terrel Deep thoughtsfart III

2009-03-09T10:35:00.002-04:00

At least he sounds like he's convinced that the Bills have some upside. On the other hand, he refers to himself as a Buffalo Bill, you know, the serial killer in Silence of the Lambs?

Nothing to worry about. Nothing at all.

Terrell Deep Thoughts Farts II

2009-03-08T03:07:00.002-04:00

I've had a few hours to reflect on this evening's events.

I'm scared. And pretty sure this is a bad idea. And drunk.

But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm just not used to my team being in the limelight.

Maybe, we'll be a credible team. Maybe we have an actual offense threat.

Maybe I'm afraid of the implications of all that.

Or maybe I've just watched the Eagles and Cowboys enough to know what a mess this could be.

Koreatown farts II

2009-03-08T01:59:00.000-05:00

The restaurant we ate at was called Dong il Jang... And hilarity ensues.

Koreatownfarts

2009-03-08T01:56:00.000-05:00

Awesome. Grill at your table. There are all you can eat options at
some places. It was an adventure.

You enjoy my shrimp and beef.

I'm Calming Down

2009-03-07T20:07:00.002-05:00

Ok. Deep breath.

Maybe this won't be so bad?

Maybe this will open up the offense a lot more? We'll have three real receivers on the field instead of two?

Maybe he just won't get so much attention in a small market?

Maybe he'll push Trent in a good way-- maybe fewer two yard "safe" passes to get the ball out?

"North America's Team" Farts

2009-03-07T19:50:00.001-05:00

Fuck.

"God Has a Plan for Me" Farts

2009-03-07T19:44:00.000-05:00

Question at the press conference: "TO, why did you pick Buffalo"

Answer: "God has a plan for me . . .this probably may not be the most ideal place for a lot of people"

Phishpharts?

2009-03-07T19:17:00.004-05:00

All of the Terrel Owens news has everyone in our immediate orbit in a froth. I needed something to ease my mind and I found it with this article that made me wish that I was still in college and could enjoy this news very irresponsibly.

"A Marriage of Desperation"

2009-03-07T19:02:00.002-05:00

According to ESPN blogger Tim Graham.

ESPN also reported that Jauron didn't sign off on this.

Oh good.

Terrell Deep Thoughts Farts

2009-03-07T18:52:00.002-05:00

Is Lee Evans ever going to get to catch a long pass again?

To Put Things in Some Context

2009-03-07T18:36:00.002-05:00

Many of you are probably wondering why we're so upset around here.

To put things in context, here is an email I sent to Sailor Jacket after learning that Jabari Greer signed elsewhere. (Warning, gentle .govs, it gets a bit salty toward the end):

Get used to the idea of the toronto bills. I'm serious. This is not a team that is trying. This is a team wading in shark infested waters. I'm serious. This is a team that has no one driving it. I'm absolutely digusted. Its not about greer. Its about all of the imcompetence. Why not get SOMETHING for dockery?? What is plan excactly at tight end?? Look at the jets, who we play twice a year. They are a new york team, amd they hustled to get bart. See peter king's article. The bill's front office is fucking all of us. And they know it. And they don't care. I'm fucking pissed.

Now, you might read that and think-- "hey, they did what you wanted and signed a big name player, aren't you happy?"

No, I'm not happy. I'm more fucking irate than ever.

TO is not what we need. We have Lee Evans. We have Josh Reed. We have plenty of receivers. We also have a fucking fragile situation in Buffalo right now, with a young quarterback, a gentle but not controlling coach, and general lack of talent on the line. And we didn't sign TO, awesome receiver. We signed old, chip on the shoulder TO, who, I'm sure, wanted to go ANYWHERE but Buffalo. He has no reason to humble himself now. Just make a fucking mess, collect his money and get out of town. Don't take my word for it-- listen to the talking heads on ESPN right now.

We needed anything BUT TO.

Fuck, I hate writing "TO." His name is Terrell. People who are named Terrell should be remind of that fact as often from possible. From now on, we will never again say "TO" on this blog.

I have a lot more to say, but I'm too irate. And too hungry. I have chicken nuggets in the toaster oven awaiting country sweet sauce.

But I digress.

This is not going to go well. I'm not just saying that because I'm a Bills fan, and, as such, I'm generally down on life. I'm saying that because I spend most of my time thinking about football, and thinking that, whatever else you can say about the Bills, at least we don't have a fucking TO (fuck I did it again) on our team. We got rid of Travis Henry, for fuck sake, just because he had too many kids. And we got rid of Willis McGahee because he said he liked Toronto more than Buffalo, and dissed Applebee's. Applebee's, for fuck sake.

Do you know what Canadians call Toronto? T.O.

We're fucked.

Fuckingfuckfuckfarts

2009-03-07T18:26:00.001-05:00

Sorry .govs, but we are having some serious issues here at weddingfarts HQ.

Our beloved just signed one of the most disruptive players in NFL history, so pardon our language for the next couple of days. Things could be a little heated around here.

I'm sure that this is all going to work out just fine... Fuckingfucketyfuck.

You have got to be kidding me, oh shitfarts II

2009-03-07T18:02:00.001-05:00

What. The. Fuck.

Oh Shitfarts

2009-03-07T17:55:00.001-05:00

This is not what I thought I would be seeing when I sat down to check websites this afteroon.

I need a nap... and a beer... and then another nap... and then a sedative...

Bracketfarts I

2009-03-07T01:18:00.002-05:00

Well. I know who I'm going to pick to go very far in the NCAA tournament. Oakenshields for life!

TaxFarts

2009-03-06T18:37:00.001-05:00

I just finished my taxes in under 2 hours start to finish. TurboTax for president.

What you needfarts

2009-03-06T14:14:00.001-05:00

.govs, today is Friday so celebrate with a Coke slurpee. You can thank
me later.

Fat Jew Tribute Farts

2009-03-06T12:26:00.003-05:00

I am glad that Sailor Jacket reminded me of our former camper, The Fat Jew.

You have done us proud:

Eat This

2009-03-06T09:29:00.006-05:00

"Hey man boobs, I have something for you to try" says one of my Chinese co-workers as I stride towards my cubical this morning with my standard level of swag (arms up in the air like I just won a boxing match).

"What is this?" I demand as I examine the package laden with Chinese characters. Inside I can see strips of dried white flesh stuffed tightly together. Jerk turkey is my first thought, but I can not find a single image or translation to confirm my suspicions.

"Just eat it," she replies and shoots me a look of disappointment. I can tell that she is surprised that I would even hesitate trying one of her favorite snacks.

(Everything around me freezes as I turn to the audience and explain the following) If you know me personally, or you have ever read this this blog (I'm talking about you .govs), you know that there is no way I am going to walk away from this situation without eating this mystery meat. In moments like these, I feel empowered. I feel like I can blast through the stereotypes of picky Americans who would no less put a new taste experience into their mouth than they would buy season tickets to to their local MLS team or enroll in a Mechanical Aeorospace Engineering program for the love of fluid mechanics. I will eat this food.

"Bring it!" I exclaim as I dive my hand into the bag and grab onto the dry, crumbly substance. As my fingers approach my mouth, the distinct smell of a seafood market drifts past my nose. Dried fish? Perhaps shark? I shove the meat into my mouth and the salt is evident immediately. I bite down and am surprised to find how chewey this food is. The taste is slightly fishy and very chewey. I know that I have tasted this before...

"Dried squid!" announces my co-worker as I swallow hard. "You like it?"

Perhaps it is the fact that it is 9 in the morning and I still have a lingering banana taste in my mouth. Or maybe my brain could not switch fast enough from expecting to taste a land animal but instead chewing endlessly on the shreaded squid. Whatever the reason, I can not hide the look of distaste on my face. I quietly remark that I think the squid is "good" but I can tell that she does not buy it.

I walk the rest of the way to my desk with my arms down at my sides, shoulders hunched, eyes staring straight at the ground, badly in need of a hug...

I have awful tastefarts

2009-03-06T00:39:00.004-05:00

Everyone knows that I have terrible taste in just about everything I watch on TV. For example, I am entirely up to date on everything that has ever happened on Prison Break. I'll let you in on a little secret .govs:

I loved wrestling when I was a kid, and then I loved it again when I was around 22. I was at Wrestlemania 18 when Hogan and the Rock went toe to toe. I have to admit I got a little emotional during the match. I was especially emotional when friend of weddingfarts, TL, got a free sausage on the streets of Toronto (there is nothing sketchier than free street meat). I thought that the Wrestler was the 2nd best movie I saw this year. I have a WWE cookbook.

I digress... I don't know who the people in this video are, but they look like wrestlers and therefore I want to see the movie.

Twitterfarts II: The Ultimate Betrayal

2009-03-05T20:59:00.003-05:00

Hi all, and welcome back to our blog. If you are one of the many in search of obama boobs, you'll going to be disappointed this week.

Because we're talking about Twitter.

Sailor Jacket and I have been having some extra-curricular (i.e., non-posted) conversations about Twitter. That happens from time to time. Like most of the past year.

For those of you not in the know, Twitter became a really big deal this week on the internets. It's the new thing that everyone is doing, like friendster in 2002, napster in 1998, and aol in 1996. Politicians are doing it, and now people are blogging about what politicians twitter.

What is it exactly?

I'm not sure. I refuse to find out. The gist, I take it, is that you are constantly telling the world inane shit about yourself, like what you had for lunch, and what is going on with your favorite football team, what happened on your commute to work on the metro, burgers you may someday want to eat.

Seriously, who has time for that?

I, for one, don't. Except that maybe I do. On a purely research oriented websearch-- don't say I never did anything for you, .govs-- I went to the Twitter website. And I found something horrible there:

I've already signed up for twitter.

How did this happen? I'll explain, or try to. If everyone remembers back a year ago, sailor jacket and I got ourselves into a bit of a tizzy over the wii. The problem was, you couldn't find one anywhere. As always, the internets tried to solve anything, and it was possible-- so I was told by Deep Fried Bacon-- to have the internets CALL YOUR PHONE when a wii became available online. Too good to be true? Well, yeah, in the end I think so. And somehow the calling involved Twitter, which, at that time, was not the next big thing. It was a messy period of time, and I tried lots of things, apparently even Twitter.

I'm not so much ashamed as confused.

But fear not, .govs. You will not need to search for twitter to find me, just as you do not need to waste your parents' minutes trying to chat with me on AOL. I will be nowhere but here, the everlasting weddingfarts, until, well, we stop writing once again.

Twitterfarts

2009-03-05T01:56:00.001-05:00

I don't understand twitter. It is like a Facebook status update but more hardcore. However, I do check the twitter account of someone that weddingfarts and I know from summer camp. It is depraved and degenerate and consistently amusing.

www.twitter.com/thefatjew

Disclaimer: you probably should be careful about checking that website at work. Use your fancy .gov phone instead.

Realworldfarts

2009-03-05T00:29:00.001-05:00

I know I'm too old to watch the Real World, but I do it anyway.

I am finding that I have never hated someone on tv more than I hate Chet. What a douche.

.govs I know that you are watching his season of the Real World. What are your very important thoughts on the matter?

I know what I'm having for lunch tomorrow

2009-03-03T23:17:00.003-05:00

Man boobs can keep the chicken feet all for himself.

I'm going to Burger King.

For these:

I don't really like Burger King, but I'm a sucker for blog posts like this.

I am Not a Chicken

2009-03-02T13:54:00.007-05:00

But I did eat chicken feet for lunch today. It was my first time eating chicken feet. You bite off the fingers, suck off the skin, and spit out the bones. On lucky bites, a nice glob of gelatin squeezes out of the foot. It was kind of soggy, kind of sweet, and kind of amazing.

I also enjoyed shark fin dumplings, steam buns stuffed with pork and bean paste, lotus leaf rice, and taro dumplings.

Dim sum, why can't every lunch be as interesting as you?

Foodpicturefarts

2009-03-01T23:59:00.001-05:00

.govs we are back. Who knows for how long, but know that your lunchtime is about to become more exciting than it has been in monthes.

Here are some things to consider and to give us feedback on:

Taking pictures of your own food in restaurants and then immediately emailing to friends. Okay or not okay?

How do you regain your mojo in mariocart wii? I used to dominate and now I'm a shell of my former self.

Personal training: does it work? Do I care?

Talk to us .govs

Tekiah, Tekiah, Tekiah, Tekiah-Gedolah

2009-02-27T13:17:00.002-05:00

Eating a curry chicken salad on wheat from the sandwich shop downstairs. They put raisins in the chicken salad. Next to the sandwich is a salad with ginger dressing. I think this is what the kids are calling fusion these days...

Sound the Shofar

2009-02-27T12:59:00.002-05:00

I hereby revive this dormant blog for a moment to proclaim: the Robert Royal era in Buffalo is over! It is over!

Awake the .govs! Post links on facebook! Go eat a cobb salad!

Just don't get your hopes up yet-- either about our beloved, or this blog.

Doucheberryfarts

2008-02-12T02:26:00.000-05:00

I have a doucheberry. We'll see how long this actually lasts. It was cool to check the blog from the doucheberry and see a picture of my almost beard from a while ago.

Check-in-farts

2008-02-12T02:19:00.001-05:00

Wife just told me my farts stink. Marriage...

Wii updatefarts

2008-01-20T02:58:00.000-05:00

Well done weddingfarts. Your determination to get a wii was rewarded. Be careful though. The video with this post was taped in your apartment this afternoon.

While we are thinking about Wiifarts

2008-01-17T15:35:00.001-05:00

Someone is going to hurt themselves trying to get a Wii. In the meantime, to distract ourselves, let us remember what you can buy in stores in Austin, TX.

Beardfarts II

2008-01-17T14:56:00.000-05:00

I thought that all of our .govs and obama boob seekers would want to know that I have shaved off my beard. It was way too itchy, and didn't look as good as it did when I was in college. Go figure. If anyone takes issue with the shaving and would like to dare me to regrow my beard I will be listening.

Beardfarts

2008-01-16T12:06:00.000-05:00

I'm growing a beard. I'm married. I'm at the 4 day mark. It's starting to get itchy. You enjoy my beard.

Really Good Peanut Butter Farts

2008-01-14T14:59:00.000-05:00

I don't know Dave, the author of this blog post. And I don't usually get excited for peanut butter. I mean, it's fine, it's particularly good on celery in my opinion, but I don't often use it.

But the sheer passion for the product in this post makes me thing otherwise. To wit:

I have shared with jars of peanut butter my most private hopes and dreams. When I smell peanut butter, freshly toasted and bubbling into the nooks and crannies of an English Muffin, I feel the way I did when, during Three Times a Lady at an eighth grade dance, I first found the courage to slide my sweaty palms down past the small of a back to the gloriously tight rear pockets on a pair Chemin de Fers.

Wow. Dave, whoever you are, you have earned yourself the esteemed title of Honorary Weddingfarter of the Day. Mazel Tov.

Hat fart: Andrew Sullivan.

Deadspin Fart Farts

2008-01-11T13:32:00.000-05:00

Dear .govs,

In keeping with the essential mission of this blog, I feel duty bound to direct your attention to this link.

Beloved Recent Nostalgia Farts

2008-01-10T23:57:00.000-05:00

Scenes from the Season . . .

Beloved Recent Nostalgia Farts

2008-01-10T23:55:00.000-05:00

Scenes from the Season . . .

Live Blog: Calling Best Buy and Circuit City for Wiifarts

2008-01-10T16:20:00.000-05:00

Wii is harder to find than good pizza in LA. I will now call Best Buy.

All times are Pacific:

1:09pm - hang up phone with weddingfarts

1:09pm - Look up nearest Best Buy via store locator

1:10pm - Dialing

1:10pm - Lady computer answers

1:10pm - press 3 for sales associate

1:11pm - still ringing

1:12pm - back to lady computer voice

1:12pm - press 3 again

1:13pm - Lady answers phone and says that they have no Wii. She has no idea when Wii will be available. I hate that lady.

1:13pm - Look up nearest Circuit City via Store Locator

1:15pm - Lady computer answers

1:15pm - press 3

1:15pm - press 8 for games

1:16pm - press 2 again for games

1:16pm - ringing

1:16pm - "hello, we are not available right now, please call again" Disconnected. Awesome.

1:17pm - Try again. Press 3 again. Pressed 0 for operator. Operator says that they have none and have no idea when they will get in.

I'm starting to get upset by this.

Our Beloved's website has crappy writingfarts

2008-01-09T17:38:00.001-05:00

The following is from an article on our beloved's website.

"The one area where Buffalo's line may look to improve their play further is run blocking. Marshawn Lynch was forced to earn the majority of his yards this past season."

I don't want to say that the writer is a dumbass, but I was under the impression that running back's (like Marshawn Lynch) in the NFL earned the majority of their yards by running.

Losman Wants Out. Whatever.

2008-01-05T13:03:00.000-05:00

As other NFL teams get to keep playing into the new year, our beloved has begun its traditional January season of surprise departures, finger pointing, and recriminations. Marv is leaving us, which makes us sad. And now Losman wants out. To which Beloved Nation says: whatever.

Sure, go. But quit whining. You say you never got enough support from the team. That may be because you aren't very good at football. The fans in Western New York are desperate. Believe me, we would have embraced you if you didn't so often run backwards and fall down. Yes, you lost your job twice-- to Kelly Holcomb (!) and a rookie. But you took most of the snaps for two seasons for an NFL team. And your body of work when you had the ball just wasn't so impressive. The long ball was great, but too often you looked confused and broke the play. We all saw it-- it was on tv. So we're going in a different direction.

It's nothing personal, believe me. You showed that you were willing to make a commitment to the city of Buffalo, which we all liked. I hope that you find a team that embraces you, and that you prove everyone wrong. But you had your chance in Buffalo. Apparently, it wasn't going to happen for you here. You weren't entitled to anymore than you got from us. If you're still confused by what happened, give a call to Drew Bledsoe, Charlie Frye, Jake Plummer, Chad Pennington, or Joey Harrington.

Good luck, JP, wherever you end up.

Sailor Jacket Weddingfarts (NOW WITH UPDATE FARTS)

2007-12-31T02:32:00.000-05:00

The wedding was great: the food was delicious, the music was fun, the bride and groom and families were all happy, and the friends were behaved. It was very well documented. Sailor jacket was sweaty-- I'm not sure how many shirts he went through in the end, but it was more than one-- and there were no reports of any errant weddingfarts.**

I, unfortunately, was pretty broken throughout the affair. We're still not quite sure what happened, but I actually would have been grateful for a few more weddingfarts in the end. So it goes. Nothing stopped me from smiling all night at the thought of sailor jacket married-- and to a wonderful woman at that.

Mazel tov to sailor jacket and man boobs. You've both done this blog proud.

**UPDATE FARTS: While there were no weddingfarts by the groom at the wedding itself, reports indicate that sailor jacket had the weddingfart of the year immediately after the wedding. At brunch, wife of sailor jacket remarked that, upon entering their wedding night suite, sailor jacket proceeded to have "horrible, horrible weddingfarts."

We hope that sailor jacket has avoided the water on his honeymoon in Mexico.

On the Edge of Weddingfarts

2007-12-30T15:55:00.000-05:00

Sailor Jacket is getting married today. In fact, I'm supposed to be at the hotel now, but I got caught up ironing his tallis. I need to let everyone know, though, that sailor jacket is attempting to make weddingfarts history today: lunch was chicken wings and a salad. The hotel where the wedding is taking place has been around since the 1800s; it's one of the oldest buildings in Austin. It surely has never experienced the weddingfarts that it will experience tonight. For that matter, neither has sailor jacket.

God speed, sailor jacket. I speak on behalf of all .govs and obama boob seekers that make up the weddingfarts community: we are very, very proud of you.

real life weddingfarts

2007-12-26T18:21:00.001-05:00

I'm in Texas. I'm getting married in 4 days. I'm farting. A lot.

Holiday Fun Farts

2007-12-20T12:19:00.000-05:00

A list of famous people saying dumb things. Yoo-hoo!

Explaining the Tension Farts

2007-12-19T16:10:00.001-05:00

You're probably wondering why everything has seemed so tense at weddingfarts this week. Even though most of us haven't been posting much this week, you keen .govs can probably feel the stress and uncertainty behind our silence.

I'll explain. Something is happening that has never happened here before. No, not the impending wedding of one of our correspondents-- we've been through that and came out mostly unscathed (although I personally still have nightmares of decorating man boob's golf cart). What is going on is even more serious than marriage. (Although not as serious as babies.)

I'm talking about the fantasy football (a.k.a. "tasia") championship round between me and sailor jacket this weekend. We don't talk much about fantasy football here, because to do so would be uncouth (and because I didn't really ask man boobs if wanted to help with my team this year, so I try not to bring it up around him. Man boobs: now that I'm in the finals, I'm never asking for your help again).

It's intense. There hasn't been such conflict between me and sailor jacket since we fought over [REDACTED] in 1994. But these days, everyone fights over [REDACTED]. So, in some ways, this is the biggest conflict we've ever had. And a week before sailor jacket's wedding, no less. Heady times.

Let me note that sailor jacket deserves a certain modicum of praise for the way that he has conducted his team this year. I'm pretty sure no one has ever tried to win a tasia championship with a Jewish quarterback before. Still, I'm angry about Thanksgiving week, and plan on winning this weekend (note: when I say things like that, I usually lose).

I want to ease the tension around here, in honor of the holidays. So I propose this. Hero of Beloved has been going around pledging to keep the Beloved where they belong. But we all know that Hero of Beloved isn't that rich, even though he owns a bar in Buffalo. He says he can get the money, but he also said that we'd win a few Superbowls.

I hereby pledge any tasia winnings to Hero's efforts to keep the Beloved in Buffalo, although maybe move them a little closer to Rochester too. Sailor jacket-- will you do the same?

iphone?

2007-12-17T10:52:00.000-05:00

You can never say never, so there is a chance that someday I will continue to immerse myself in a pool of douche by getting an iphone.

I'm intrigued by it, but now I'm not so sure. I read something about how they could be adding GPS to it. The way that they would do that is by adding something called a dongle. I'm not sure what a dongle is, but I can see a few things happening.

Q. Hey what's that on your iphone?
A. Oh it's my dong-le

Q. What is that lying on your car seat?
A. My dong-le

Q. How do you get to DC Wingos?
A. I don't know. Let me check out my dong-le

Q. Shit we're lost in Phoenix, what are we going to do? It seems like they moved the freeway
A. I don't even think that my dong-le is gps-y enough to figure out the Phoenix freeway system.

BillsBrownsfarts

2007-12-14T12:49:00.000-05:00

Enough of the Mitchell Report. Roger Clemens took steroids. He's 45 years old and probably has no balls at this point. He also has 4 kids or so whose names start with the letter K. Power to him for naming his kids with K names and for loving baseball so much that he wanted to play forever. Based on the aches and pains that I feel as a 29 year old who is as inactive as possible, I would be intrigued with something that made me feel like I was 23. Granted, I would never partake because I'm afraid of needles.

Here is the first ever Weddingfarts "Big Bills Game" preview.

This Sunday: Bills vs. Browns

The last time the Bills played the Browns this person was the QB.

He was awesome. We always felt like the game was ours with Jim Kelly leading the way. There was also Thurman Thomas, Andre Reed, Bruce Smith, Darryl Talley, Kent Hull, Will Wolford, and Mark Kelso (double helmet Mark)

The Browns were led by sidearm Bernie.

The Bills won and Don Beebe bounced off of his head. That was really scary as an 11 year old. I thought he was dead.

Now the Bills have a quarterback who threw 4 touchdowns last week (double wristband Trent), Lee Evans, Marshawn Lynch, and some people on defense.

Watching the Bills gives me intense uncertainty. They aren't very good. They are very mediocre. Yet somehow they stay in the game. Dick Jauron looks like a corpse, but apparently he is a decent coach. Either that or he is very lucky.

The Bills probably won't win on Sunday, but it could be close. Especially if Derek Anderson, Jamal Lewis (who is terrifying. Did you see his touchdown run against the Jets last week?), Braylon Edwards (who brotherfart has on his fantasy team and is very pleased with), and Kellen Winslow Jr. all play at least mildly well.

The Browns and Bills are in similar situations. Both teams on the rise who are playing over their heads. The prediction is this:

Browns 27
Bills 17

It's been a rough dayfart

2007-12-13T17:29:00.000-05:00

As the national pastime crumbles before our eyes here is something that will never let us down.

And Now On A Serious Note Fart

2007-12-13T11:47:00.000-05:00

NOTE: POST UPDATED BELOW.

So, a few preliminaries: I haven't been a fan of baseball all of my life, although I've been a serious fan since I lived in Boston and got sucked into the losing ways of the Boston Red Sox (which turned out to only last through the first year of my rooting for them. Who knew?). And I've been pretty bored of the Barry Bonds/Steroids story-- yes, steroids are bad, but it's a complicated issue when you get down to it, because it's not very clear where acceptable "enhancement"-- and even acceptable cheating-- should end and where unacceptable cheating should begin. I mean, steroids clearly falls on one side of that line, but it's hard to make a moral issue out of it when you're looking at the picture of how people succeed in baseball.

With that said, I was a lot more affected than I expected to be when I saw the list of players that-- rumor has it (AND BY THIS I MEAN I AM NOT SAYING THAT ANYONE ON ANY LIST HAS USED STEROIDS, I'M JUST TALKING ABOUT RUMORS I'VE HEARD)-- will be named in the Mitchell Report. It included a lot of players that I loved to watch play and rooted (and still root) strongly for. I felt cheated and shocked. Which I guess is the point of the whole exercise. This is going to be a lot harder for baseball and the sports world to deal with than I had initially thought.

Where is the list? You can find it on various sports gossip sites, and the real list is coming out soon enough. I'm not posting it here, because every player on the list is calling their lawyer right now, and I have enough work to do as it is.

UPDATE: Well, the official list is out, and it appears, at least in my quick glance, to be quite different in some respects than the rumor list. I also note that it does not even appear that all of the listed players are necessarily accused of having used steroids. So take it for what it is, which might not be very much at all. Still, a lousy day to be Roger Clemens.

Fairchildfarts

2007-12-12T12:13:00.001-05:00

The guy who couldn't made JP look good and who had Trent fall into his lap is leaving the Bills. In my opinion that makes for some good news. Good luck to the entire state of Colorado . Expect a few fumbles, interceptions, and general flailing.

Review Fart - Kinoko No Yama

2007-12-10T13:52:00.000-05:00

This afternoon I was walking around a Japanese grocery store with some co-workers and I spotted a fanciful container covered with dancing chocolate mushrooms floating over softly rolling hills speckled with quaint cottages and lush greenery. The packaging was so intriguing that I had to purchase a box. My co-workers were surprised at my choice in snacks, to say the least. To our delight, the mushrooms were delicious. The chocolate cap is fresh and creamy and the cookie stalk keeps your fingers free of any chocolate residue. It was a wonderful snack experience which I highly recommend to everyone - especially gentle .gov's looking for unique, non-messy ways to satisfy their chocolate cravings.

Awesomefarts

2007-12-10T13:29:00.000-05:00

I watched this before I left for work. It made things better. Did I mention that I'm getting fillings today? Super, right?

This video made getting filling ok.

knotfarts

2007-12-09T11:47:00.001-05:00

Every 2-3 weeks I wake up with a knot in the same place in my back. Near my shoulder. It sucks. Today is one of those days. Here are just a few other reasons why my day could be semi-shitty.

*****All of the following has happened in the last hour*****

1. I have a knot in my back that hurts.
2. It is 8am on a Sunday and I'm already showered and thinking about how crappy my previous hour was.
3. I carried hula hoops in to work.
4. I carried puzzles in to work.
5. Somehow my sleeve got all wet.
6. My breakfast was two pieces of cheese and two slices of roast beef.
7. I listened to NPR.
8. I forgot my ipod.
9. I then listened to the radio and heard the shittiest song ever. Something by Moron 5 (yes I know it's Maroon (yes I'm bitter))

.govs, have a better beginning of your day than I have.

sense of humorfart

2007-12-07T20:57:00.000-05:00

It seems like several players on our beloved have a sense of humor. That's good.

CUPCAKE DAY!!!

2007-12-07T14:23:00.000-05:00

In an effort to increase efficiency, decrease costs, and maintain a minimum level of morale, my client has implemented a cupcake birthday policy. Today happens to be cupcake day for the 4th quarter. So, without further adieu....

Happy Birthday to October, November, & December babies!!!!

(Wedding Farts - you probably thought that I forgot all about you)

Excuse me while I go claim my cupcake.